[REVIEW] ‘Glass Onion’ or How to Really Suck at Telling a Mystery

I know the original Knives Out had its detractors. A lot of my friends said it was ”overrated” or “nothing special” but I had a fun time with it. To me it was light fluffy entertainment well told and since we hadn’t gotten a mystery like that in some time it felt refreshing and new. Now in 2022 we seem to be having the year of the mystery with Death on the Nile, See How They Run, Only Murders in the Building and more to be released. I don’t know if this deluge of new entries in the genre has made me more critical of Glass Onion but let’s just say I went excited and left deflated. As far as viewing experiences go this supposed mystery is one of the worst ones I’ve had all year and one of the only times in a theater in the last few years I’ve been actively annoyed by what I’m watching. I know many seem to be enjoying Glass Onion but I thought it was terrible in just about every way.

Daniel Craig comes back to this sequel as detective Benoit Blanc but the rest of the cast is new. They have all been invited to a billionaire’s mansion on a private island to participate in a murder mystery party game. On paper this should be a fun setup for a mystery. They even make illusions to the board game Clue and the classic 1985 film it helped inspire.

The problem is the terrible script. Each scene is nothing but one exposition dump after another trying to make obvious revelations sound revelatory when we can all see them coming a mile away. I grew so bored listening to these bland people drone on and on about this Miles Bron guy and the supposed shenanigans happening around him. Neither the clues or the people were interesting or compelling, and I found myself getting both annoyed and bored as I watched. I even took a bathroom break because I was so disengaged I needed a break.

The characters also don’t help with each actor mugging it up before the camera especially Edward Norton as a Elon Musk-style tech billionaire. At least in the first one Ana de Armas’ character had some mystery to her, some allure we didn’t understand. In this Janelle Monae’s character is supposed to be the layered one we are rooting for but everything with her is so convoluted and takes forever to explain, that I lost interest. It takes an hour for any murders to happen and that’s a problem in a murder mystery!

Blanc doesn’t even solve the case in this film. He pushes someone else to solve it but that ended up giving us nothing but exposition from our lead character. The ending is meant to be clever, but I rolled my eyes hoping it would all be over soon. It wasn’t soon enough if you ask me.

So if you want an annoying, unending experience of a movie check out Glass Onion. Maybe it will be just your cup of tea? As for me, I’m glad it’s done and I can move on to something of quality to watch. It honestly felt like I was watching a bunch of famous people take a vacation in Greece and that’s not my idea of a good time. No thanks.

2 out of 10

Frown Worthy

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